Here is the story I wrote for the writing contest. We had 24 hours to write on the visual cue they gave us, which was a painting of a salt shaker.
It’s What’s Inside That Counts:
A woman’s guide to judging a man by what he eats
Musings to be taken with a grain, or a whole shaker, of salt
Few forms of torture exist in our country nowadays, and even fewer are considered legal. Dating is one of them. And not just dating in general, but dinner dating. For some, eating is simply a matter of course, only done to survive. Let me tell you, these types of people are about as common as the jackelope. For most of us, eating is the cycle upon which our lives and emotions revolve. Nothing can give us more exquisite joy than knowing there is a good meal ahead. So what do you do when you combine one of life’s most enjoyable activities with the pure nightmarish stress of a first date? It’s simple really; play on your strengths. That is, use your lifelong knowledge of food to counteract your lack of knowledge about the stranger sitting across the table from you. Below is a broad overview of some common date foods and how I have used them to interpret potential boyfriends. This reference guide relieves me of many of the common first date worries, such as finding out: if he’s a good listener, if he’s financially stable, what kind of sense of humor he has, if he has money—oh, I already mentioned that. Each food is designated with a warning level to indicate its approval rating.
Warning Levels:
Red: Run! Run away as far and as fast as I possibly can!
Yellow: There is potential, but keep a sharp eye out for any larger, hidden faults.
Green: Go for it, so far so good.
Now we can dive into the actual food areas. Many may not have the same requirements that I do. In that case, they can form a personal reference guide. All savvy daters should be equipped with their own guides.
AppetizersNo Appetizer (Warning: Red): If he doesn’t offer, well, that means I must probe carefully into his financial status through the rest of the dinner to confirm that things are on the up and up. I certainly don’t want to be stuck with the check, or even my half of the check. I see nothing wrong with sticking to the classic rules of dating.
Nachos/any kind of chips and salsa type deal (Warning: Red): Ordering chips is a clear sign that this man is no more than a boy. Whenever “the game” is on he will be glued to the TV. Seeing as how I am not a big sports fan, this is definitely a man to avoid.
Calamari, onion rings, anything deep fried (Warning: Yellow): Fried foods are gross. The fact that he ordered an appetizer at all is a plus. He probably made sure to order something just to demonstrate that he was not afraid to pay a few extra bucks. Regrettably, picking the most disgusting thing on the menu is not impressive.
Bread and oil/bread dishes (Warning: Green): This appetizer is historically a favorite for dinner dates. It’s classy, yet simple; you can’t go wrong. Plus, it clearly shows he is willing to make an effort to be charming. It is endearing when a guy falls over himself to please you.
Main DishPasta (Warning: Red): Face it, pasta is common. If my date is ordering any kind of pasta it means he is just as bland as the food on his plate. The only upside to dating a bland guy is that I will look all the more exotic next to him. This is fun for a short time, but not for any kind of serious relationship. And why waste time dabbling in relationships that cannot last beyond the shelf-life of a satisfied vanity?
Steak (Warning: Red): Nothing says there’s something he’s secretly trying to compensate for like steak. Clearly he has self-esteem issues and must prove in every aspect of his life how much of a man he really is. Unless the man is already the size of a horse and therefore needs ample food for his large frame, I try to stay away from steak eaters.
H
amburger (Warning: Yellow): You can’t completely discount an American classic. Hamburgers are tasty and, in many instances, can be quite daring if prepared adventurously. As long as he eats the burger in moderately sized bites and doesn’t make munching noises it’s a pretty safe bet. I once went on a date with a hamburger eater who smacked his lips after every bite. I still regret not stopping the date then and there.
Salad (Warning: Yellow): Salads deserve only a yellow warning because of their diverse varieties. What is now classified as a salad could extend anywhere from what is basically an unwrapped burrito to a simple plate of fresh spinach. It can be intriguing if he orders a hearty salad because he is clearly concerned about his health. By ordering a salad he can lower not only his WAM potential (Weight After Marriage), but also decrease his BBP (Beer-Belly Potential). But I do take exception to salads if he orders one that is only vegetables and asks for the dressing on the side. I could never date a man that eats healthier than I do myself.
Anything Foreign (Warning: Green): Being a bit exploratory is always a good sign. If he orders something foreign it means he is willing to listen to new suggestions and . . . oh who cares. It’s incredibly attractive when a man is eager to try new things and that’s that.
DessertChocolate cake (Warning: Red): Let’s face it, chocolate is for girls. A man who will go for chocolate over other options has some deep-seated issues, or maybe he just has some kind of hormone imbalance. Even if he passed with all greens up to this point, a big piece of chocolate cake can be a deal breaker.
Ice Cream (Warning: Yellow): Ice cream is a classic favorite and can indicate a fun loving guy. It’s the toppings you really have to worry about. When he has layers of toppings he is bound to get some of it on his face. This is a hit or miss faux pas. It can either show that he is has a goofy sense of humor or that he still eats his food like a little boy. It’s a very fine line.
Cheesecake (Warning: Green): Eating cheesecake is hot. Period.
ExtrasSalt (Warning: Red): If he even comes near the salt shaker during dinner, I might as well pull the plug then and there! It is particularly unnerving if he goes for the salt before even taking a bite of his food. Clearly this man can never be satisfied and will always want more.
Ketchup (Warning: Yellow): Ketchup is insipid. At least it’s better than him eating all on his foods plain, which would show that he is way too picky. A good rule I like to remember is to be picky about picky people. They usually aren’t worth the hassle.
Tabasco (Warning: Green): A real man can take the heat.
Many will argue that this guide is ridiculous and self-centered. You may be right, but that doesn’t prove that it’s not an effective dating tool. There is only one way to find out; test it yourself. You may also be wondering if I am single or in a relationship, well I’m not going to tell you. You’ll just have to withhold judgment until you have had your own experiences. I only give these words of wisdom in my defense, words that you have no doubt heard before, but interpreted erroneously: It’s what’s inside that counts.
